Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
Desiderata by Max Erhmann (1927)
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been plagued by feelings of deep inadequacy and shame. To quote the 90’s singer Sarah McLoughlin, “You can always find reasons to not feel good enough.”
I’m pretty sure that I’m not alone. We live in a capitalist society where competition and winning are paramount. We’re taught to measure ourselves against endless yardsticks ranging from physical appearance to sporting prowess to academic success to wealth accumulation. We’re taught to see ourselves as ‘better than’ and to strive to be ‘more than.’
Researcher Dr Brene Brown has written extensively on the subject of shame and worth, and I recommend her books for a more psychological analysis of the subject. But really, what does it mean to feel worthless? It is a feeling of toxic shame inside, a feeling that inside you are not enough, and that you must not, under any circumstances, allow the world to see your unworthiness. So, we wear masks of bravado, we waste our lives trying to reach milestones that tell the world we are enough. And we do this so one day, we can convince ourselves that we are enough.
After years of striving to show the world that I was enough, I spoke to a dear friend about these feelings. She responded by sending me the poem Desiderata (excerpt above). Something inside me began to shift.
I have a theory that if we were taught deep ecology in school, our consciousness would change. Deep ecology contends that each organism plays a role in the collective. Remove an organism and the ecosystem is thrown out of balance. Every being has an impact, and every being is valuable to the ecosystem. Just look at the humble bee and consider what would happen if the world’s bee populations disappeared.
Now consider something more optimistic. Imagine what the world would be like if we all believed we were innately worthy. Not better than, but not less than either. How would we spend our time? What choices would we make? Would we need to engage in conflict to prove that we were the strongest, the mightiest and the most capable of destroying the world ten times over?
My current novel (still being written) explores our struggle with worth, amongst other equally light topics. It explores the harm we do to ourselves, our children, and everyone we touch, when we feel unworthy. Writing this novel is no easy feat. I still struggle with a deep sense of unworthiness, but I am conscious of it now. Sometimes I simply need to pause my writing and spend time in the garden.
There is wisdom in nature that our human minds are only beginning to comprehend.
Word upon Word 